I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my being single is dangerous.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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