I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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