She's JV to your varsity
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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