My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
