I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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