we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
