I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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