i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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