I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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