Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize