I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
