I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
