Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
