Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
