I faked an abortion last night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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