Yo dont text me then not text me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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