The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
