these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
