Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
