There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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