Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
