I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
