I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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