Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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