Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
