The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
