a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
