I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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