A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
