And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't deserve a penis
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm both gender and math confused
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
