now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
