Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
