my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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