Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
