Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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