I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Bring me that man meat
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
