Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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