If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
