the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
