I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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