i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
