I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
