He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
