you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
