just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
