it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
