The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
