its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
