They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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