wanna go halves on a baby?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
