I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
