the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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