Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
