Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
