Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
