Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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