Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
