My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
