I'm so fucking centered right now
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
