just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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