So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
