She is in my trunk
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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