turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
