Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
