i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
