Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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